Rock bottom
Welp, turns out it can get worse. I'm pretty sure I'm at rock bottom now, but it feels like everytime I think that, the ground beneath me crumbles and I end up spiraling even further down.
I've lost someone I considered my best friend, I've creeped out a bunch of my friends because of that, lost the only real community I had because of it, made an ass of myself
at my friend's birthday party because of it. At this point I feel like I have my own version of bipolar, during the day I can repress bad thoughts and generally be "sorta" fine,
but the second I lay down in bed at night, I just completely lose it and have a full on depressive episode. It feels like life is trying to squeeze me from every possible angle
to see how long until I break. Almost like I'm stuck in some sick experiment. I can't find a job for the life of me, every day I see my rights be more and more at risk,
I can't even talk about any of this with anyone I know because I'm deep in the closet and for some very good reasons. It genuinely feels like I don't have any agency in my life
anymore. I got told to "heal on my own terms" right before I got kicked out, but how can you heal when the knifes that keep stabbing you aren't even in your control? How do you
heal when you can't even control your own life anymore?
All of this did end up making me think thru some of the things I've done in the past tho. More specifically how I left my old friend group behind. You know, it's kinda funny to think about,
I got scared off because of how they acted, I had a tipping point that made me decide to just leave, I didn't try to explain my side or anything, I just straight up ghosted them and
any of their attempts at reconnecting, only for all of this to just be a big misunderstanding. I think anyone that knows my recent situation might be starting to put the pieces together.
I decided to try reconnecting with them after all this time (a whole year to be exact), and seeing them not give a single crap about the whole situation and just welcoming
me back did make me pretty happy.