Don't fall in love with me
This one scene from Bloom Into you has been stuck in my head eversince I've first watched it. It felt like it perfectly vocalized something I've always felt but never knew how to express.
It's this endless paradox of loving someone, but wanting to distance yourself because you don't feel like you deserve said love, wanting to be loved but at the same time refusing to be loved.
I've never really liked myself, shocker I know. I've always felt like I needed to prove my worth in some way, and even when I did, it didn't feel like enough. But at the same time, failing to prove said
worth would only make me dislike myself more. I always actively look for validation from other people, and when I can't get that validation, I just crumble. And it's a horrible way to think, I've completely
lost interest in so many hobbies because of this, hobbies that I've loved, just because unless I'm actively being told that I'm doing good, I just hate everything I do. I've never really had the greatest of
grades in school, whether it be middle schoool or high school. In fact I almost failed my geography class in middle school two seperate years in a row. And I still feel trauma from my school time,
because it was this constant battle of wanting validation, but not being able to get it due to my ADHD actively sabotaging any attempt at studying. I've always been told "You're so smart, you just need to apply yourself." and for the longest time I somehow actually believed the people that said it. I actively tried to chase achievements just because I've been told that I could do it if I just "stopped being lazy".
The day I found out that ADHD isn't just not about being able to focus was probably the day that affected me forever. I was watching some random storytime YouTuber, and they had a video on their ADHD diagnosis,
and having them describe how it felt being on meds for the first time, it genuinely broke me. It made me realize that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, my brain would just actively fight me.
Having parents that didn't really believe me didn't really help. Having your parents yell at you about being lazy. Yell at you everytime you forget to do a chore or forget to go brush your teeth, it's
genuinely made me suicidal at points. Not just because of the screaming, but because of the fact they refuse to believe that I could not infact just "stop being lazy".
I don't even know what I was even trying to say anymore, this became way more of a ramble than I wanted it to be, but then again, I suppose that is the whole point of this diary. Either way,
have this Evangelion clip I was planning on leading into somehow but forgot how.